Running Away

I haven't written in a while because it has been too difficult. My mom died on August 20. My mom was the only parent I ever had. I didn't grow up with my biological father. My mom has been with the same man since I was 8 but I haven't ever really thought of him as "dad." There's a strained history there but that's not really important to what I'm writing now.

Of course when my mom passed away I cried. I cried a lot. I didn't do a lot of sleeping, and when I did, I cried myself to sleep. However, I did most of this at home, by myself so no one could see. I got a lot of support initially in the form of sympathy cards, "facebook love," and friends just being around for me. I tried to act "OK" around people. Then would go home where I was alone and cry. I don't like feeling like people are pitying me, and I didn't want people to think I just wanted attention.

Now I'm feeling very down. I feel forgotten. I feel like people are always wanting me to be there for them through their problems when I barely feel strong enough to handle mine. The other day on the way home, I thought "I should stop and visit Mom on the way home," then I realized she wouldn't be there, and was devastated all over again.

I feel very detached, and especially this week just about anything has gotten to me. I am dreading the holidays. I am dreading my Opera chorus Debut because my mom was so excited and happy that she was going to be able to go when I told her about it. I feel guilty for not visiting her more often. I feel like I wish I would have told her more, asked her more. I am devastated by the fact that if I ever have kids, they will not have a Gramma. They will never know her, and she will never be able to walk me down the aisle like I always had planned.

When I get scared I run away. This has been something that has happened many times in my life. For instance, once I had these very strong feelings for a man who I felt would never return the feelings. Instead of even mentioning that to him, I disappeared on him. I just stopped calling. Granted, he didn't call me, and that was part of the reason I stopped contacting him. I feel like those who truly care will make an effort to be in my life. So sometimes I shut down. I shut people out, because I'm tired of getting hurt. I'm so terrified of another relationship disaster, that I just avoid it for the most part. I go out, I have fun, I have guy friends, but if I develop feeling for them, I freak out and just stifle them, hoping they go away and telling myself they would never in a million years want to have anything to do with me. Maybe those are thoughts from the Enemy, but sometimes I honestly take a good hard look at myself and think that there's no way anyone would want to be with me forever. There are so many women who are prettier, thinner, with bigger hearts and less damage.

The worst thing is that the thing I want the most is the thing I run away from the most. I feel like if I avoid this possibility and just walk away, then I can't possibly get hurt.

Right now all I really want is for someone to hold me close and tell me it is okay to be sad. It's okay to cry and just sit there and let me cry on their shoulder and hold me. But I'm really discouraged and wondering if I will ever have that in my life.


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