My Heart - by Kristen Lea

I've never seen the show John & Kate plus 8. I had never even heard of it until a few months ago. I've only ever seen clips of it on shows like "The Soup." But somehow, even though I've never wanted to watch this show, these people are constantly on my TV. They need to go away and get off my TV. The media circus needs to stop giving these people airtime. I do not care about all the negativity going on in these people's lives. I do not want to hear another story about how a man is leaving his wife for casual sex with young women. I do not want to see another man basically abandon his children because he's bored with his life. I do not care who is taking what money out of their bank account. Please take them off our TVs. Why don't we see more information about the Crisis in Darfur? That is more important than John &Kate. That is more tragic, and has to do with innocent civilians being murdered and raped. There are children being turne...

In case you didn't know, My Aunt died Saturday. She was a huge part of my life... she always will be. She's the person who helped make me who I am. A lot of my sense of humor and my alleged wittiness is because of how much time I've spent with her throughout my life. Its taken me a while to write this because every time I think about it, or say it out loud... it doesn't seem like it could be true. I was there. I saw her body lifeless, not breathing that day. I still find it surreal. I went to the viewing. Even as I walked into the funeral home it didn't seem like this could be possible. How could Aunt Neen be dead? How is this fair? She was only 54 years old! She fought valliantly... stubbornly. Imagine that, a member of my family is stubborn! She defied everything they said of her with this cancer. They said it would be two months. She went three and a half. They said a few days after going off dialysis, maybe a week. It was a week and a half. Thes...

So what? The president called Kanye west a jackass. So ... when is it wrong to speak in truth, whether on the record or off? Quite frankly, thank goodness someone high profile said it (and it doesn't get much higher profile than the president). Obama said that Kanye is a jackass because guess what: HE IS A JACKASS! Recall the hurricane Katrina telethon. Recall his actions toward paparazzi. I admit, I would probably get pretty ticked off about people constantly taking my picture- but then again if you're famous you must be kind of thankful for that too, because if they weren't taking your picture anymore that means no one cares about you and you must have fallen into obscurity. I also found his "apology" on Jay Leno very contrived and not sincere at all. The almost fake crying did nothing for me. Maybe he was upset about how his mother would have reacted. However, that doesn't say to me he's any less of an idiot (or as the president said, jackass)....

So today my man was finally able to contact me.. thank goodness! I can't handle no contact! We texted.. and he told me something that troubled me. HE said that he was dropped from a class and that changes his status. I didn't know what that meant. He said he has to take 12 credits to keep his status as a student here, and without that many credits he could get deported. This definitely worries me. Lansing is far enough away! Africa is too far away. Duh! Like I even had to say that. So hopefully things will all work out. I'm praying hard... because honestly I would be devastated if he left me here alone.

The last week (not even full week) has been unbareable. The guy I've been seeing is having some issues with his phone service and I haven't been able to talk to him since Monday. We talked on the phone Monday, he e-mailed me on Wednesday and since then there has been no contact. I hate it. I feel like we're not even together. I hate it. I hate not being able to see him I hate us being so far apart- even though its not even that far. I think he's worth it.. no- I know he's worth all the nights and days I spend without him. I just hate that I have to do it. I think that in one way its better than not having someone who (hopefully) is missing me too... but that doesn't make it suck any less. I feel like I'm ready. I don't know if he is... sometimes I feel like he is... but I've been wrong before, so I try not to be too excited about it. I've just been burned so much and I get scared. I get scared when I don't get to talk to him on t...

Sometimes I just don't understand.... why do these things happen that shake me to the core and make me wonder about people... why do I have such an issue with trust that if I don't hear from my man, I automatically assume the worst? Maybe its because the worst has happened to me time and time again. Is this something I have to reiterate to him? Is he just that clueless? Or does he just not care? These are all of my questions... and I have no answer to them and no way to get in touch with him at this moment. This is why men think we're crazy.

Alot has happened since my last post. My brother got married: It was the most beautiful wedding and most entertaining, fun and original reception I've ever been to. It was still traditional, but there were many neat ideas! I definitely know who is helping me when I have my big day! For those of you who don't know, that would be my sister-in-law, not my brother. Seriously- its sooo weird to think I have a sister-in-law! Another thing has happened since then. I am very happy with the man I've been seeing. Actually, I'm getting ready to introduce him to my mom for the first time. Actually, this is the first time I've brought someone "home" in years. Its rather nerve-racking! I think its so much so for me because I know that this is actually important. I'm just so happy with him and I want to continue moving in a positive direction with him. :) I said a lot.. but I guess I was wrong.. it was more like two major things.

I love my life... I had a wonderful day with Davies today... such a good time all around... what kind of man says to you "Thank you for spending time with me today"? A great one.

I really hate when people leave stupid comments on my blog: I just got this today, and no I won't publish it under whatever post it was posted on, but I will show it for what it is: You're right. Your coworker had no right to make assumptions about someone who has twice been charged with counts of child molestation, changed his appearance so as to in no way resemble his former self, and who died of a suspected drug overdose. You had every right to chastise her for stating an opinion. However, it is perfectly acceptable to show the love of Christ to your neighbors by leaving them passive-aggressive notes about taking out their trash. I'm sure the phrase "it's not rocket science" was in no way rude, hurtful or disrespectful and I'm sure it opened many doors for you to show them Christ's love in the future. Standing up for a deceased person that you don't even know doesn't take much effort, but showing the same respect to those nearest to you does...

This past week or so I have been plagued by the fact that people (especially Christians) are so judgemental. I will try to put this into words because this very thing makes me very upset- especially within the Christian community. This is what encouraged this post: A little over a week ago, I was at Uccellos with some friends from work. A girl I worked with said something that most people know better than to say to me. She said that she thought Michael Jackson was "weird." I asked "well, do you know him?" She said no. I said "well, have you ever met him?" Again, she responded with a no. I said "well, then you don't really know, do you?" I can't remember if there was any logic or educated response- she just said "I just think he's weird." I again went through my questions, then said "You and I both know there's One Judge, and you're not He." Of course, as a Christian she had nothing to say in response to tha...

With the way things have been going with me lately, I've been doing a lot of thinking. I was thinking about how my relationships have gone in the past... as well as just my past experiences. One thing I'm beginning to wonder if I know how to be in a relationship. I have been alone for so long I don't know if I know how to be with someone. This really scares me to death, because I don't want to be alone- and I don't believe God created any of us to be alone. I don't want to be alone- but right now I feel like its all I know. I really do feel alone in the world right now. I'm not sure anyone can know or understand all the things I feel. I know that the Lord is there to comfort me- believe that. Sometimes it just nice to have a friend to talk to and who will just be there and let you cry on their shoulder. I don't really feel like I have any friends close enough in proximity to do that for me. Sometimes you just need a hug, you know?

I have never understood why some people lie. I know that we've all done it- whether its "you look great in that," or "no, your dog isn't annoying," or "your baby is so cute!" However, when it matters... when it really truly matters, why lie? I'm going to surprise myself with how much I'm going to share- I know already. I was recently in a relationship with a man, and I'm now finding out/realizing that my deepest thoughts may have been true- and that he told me at least more than one lie. What I don't understand about people is do they really think I'm that dumb? And by people I mean do men really think I'm that dumb? Do I look like I can be easily fooled? I'm told I look young, but never dumb. Maybe that's another lie! Who knows?! The point is this: Men: Don't lie. The woman in your life (whether it be significant other, friend, or even family member) has an undeniable intuition that she may or may not ...

I've let fear rule my life for too long. I'm trying to turn that around and be more bold in my relationship with someone I care for deeply. We'll see how this goes! Pray for me- anyone who reads this.

I was just wondering how well we know the people we call our friends. All day- any day- a single person can have millions of thoughts. So, this leads me to wonder how well we know each other. We think we know each other, but how much do we really know? Sure- we know things like our closest friends pet peeves, birthdays/anniversaries, middle name, and favorite food. Do we know their deepest fears, personal struggles, thoughts? Do you know if your best friend ever feels lonely, depressed, hopeless? Or do you only hear about the "up" times? I don't know about you, but for me its more difficult to share when I'm hurting. I love to tell good news- no matter what its about.. whether its a new pair of shoes, a new job, or a new love. However, when I'm hurting, I'm more likely to keep that "news" to myself. It just makes me wonder how much we really conceal from each other when we really shouldn't. Maybe its just because I live alone and get lon...

I found out today why the USPS is ineffective and why they constantly change rates. I went to track something I had purchased a while back. I tracked it with the little number the place gave me when bought the item online. I found that it was "in transit," but found the history of the package interesting. It had come from somewhere out of state to go to Wyoming, MI(for those of you who are not familiar-that's basically Grand Rapids). Then from there, it went to Lansing, Mi. From there it said my package was in transit to its final destination. Now this may not seem that odd, until you look at a map of Michigan and where I am in relation to Grand Rapids and Lansing. I live in Lake Odessa, which is actually about halfway inbetween Grand Rapids and Lansing. On the map above, both Grand Rapids and Lansing are circled in red. Grand Rapids/Wyoming being the red circle on the left (west) and the other red circle being Lansing. The green circle is where my package is headed for. ...

Fear. Fear is something that people seek out. Whether it be through movies, roller coasters or so-called haunted houses. People chase storms for the sheer thrill of the fear it makes them feel. Fear is also something that can be crippling. Fear can bind us and hinder us from where we feel like we should go with our lives and where God wants us to be in our lives spiritually and emotionally. Fear is something I've dealt with ever since I can remember. When I was younger, I was afraid of the dark, had nightmares. I even thought I saw people watching me through my windows. I was afraid. I was afraid of what people thought of me, what people didn't think of me and even how I felt about myself. When I started college I was afraid I wouldn't make any friends. I was afraid no one would like me and that it would be four years of loneliness. For those of you who went to college with me, you obviously know this didn't happen. I got some great advice from someone that I ...

I'm sure that many of you have heard about this ridiculous media frenzy about John and Kate from "John and Kate Plus 8." I hear more about it, since I leave my TV on for my dog. You see, I get home and all those stupid (sorry, I'm not a fan of them) entertainment shows are on. So, there's much speculation about "what happened" and why it happened. I have a simple opinion. If he did cheat- which that eventually is between the two of them and their marriage, even though they did thrust themselves into the spotlight- IF he did, I think I can see why he did. His wife, from just the clips that I have seen, constantly emasculates him. Telling him he breathes too loud, telling him he needs to do this or do that. I'm sorry if this sounds prehistoric or not 21st century enough, but men do still need to be treated like men. Husbands should know that they are valued, loved (the way they are- loud breathing and all) and treated like the man they are. Kate treats...

So, why do people feel the need to insult other people's dogs? I might be a little sensitive to this, but here's what I've heard regarding my (adorable) dog. "Look at that little dust mop" "What a furry mut" - I cleaned that one up, because it had bad language included also. "he needs a haircut" "he looks like a girl with his hair like that" Okay.. so my dog is like my child, since I don't have any human babies yet. So, why do people think its okay to insult my dog? Would I go up to someone and tell them their son looked like a girl? Would I tell you your child needs a haircut? Probably not to a complete stranger. And I definitely wouldn't insult the child by calling it a mut or something worse than that... It just really bugs me. I have actually told people that they are rude. I wouldn't do that to you, so don't do that to others! So yes, my dog's hair is supposed to be long (its a shih tzu, purebred... google it)...

To answer Deven's question on my last post, they took their trash down... it took them two days to get rid of two bags... and now there's more crap there! Yay! One garbage bag and a box full of hoses or something. I don't know. They were also up and loud until after 4 am this morning. Rock on... that's my favorite.

So really how stupid have people become? He's a good story. So I got some new neighbors. They have been nothing but a problem. For those of you who don't know, I live in a house that was turned into apartments. There are four apartments in the house. Two are upstairs (one being mine) and two are downstairs. My new neighbors are in the other upstairs apartment. This is how the outside of my place is set up: THe stairs go straight up, and the first door is my door. Then there's a little walkway/porch/landing. Then you walk about three feet and there is the other door. My new neighbors have had their trash outside their door on the landing for over a week. This disgusts me. Not only is this gross, but WE HAVE TRASH SERVICE. Its literally a walk down the stairs and a 40 foot walk to take trash to the trash can. So Last night, my disgust had reached a new level, and I left a note on their door saying something like this: "You need to take care of your trash. ...

Why is it that you go into a public bathroom the sink and counters are all wet? This happens at my work, and I don't understand how it can get so ridiculously wet and disgusting when only adults use this bathroom. Not just adults- allegedly educated adults with decent jobs. It makes me wonder (and dread ever seeing) what these people's bathrooms look like. Its so bad, that if you're not paying attention when you go to wash your hands, your entire front of your shirt (or pants, depending on how tall you are) can get completely soaked. I don't understand what is so difficult about hand washing that makes some people not be able to do it in a half-way civilized manner or at least take a paper towel and clean up after themselves after! Come on, people! lol.. this is ridiculous!

I got some amazingly good news this weekend. This is how the story went down: I got a phone call from a friend, and I missed it the first time (of course the one time I get a call I'm out of the reach of my phone). I called her back just a few minutes later. This happens to be a friend whom I used to work with, but we rarely get to talk or spend time together since our work schedules are pretty much opposite of each other. Anyway, I called her back and she had this to say: Her: "So here's the deal: I was supposed to go to Cancun with my friend, and now he doesn't want to go. The tickets are all-inclusive, non-refundable and already paid for. So I was wondering if you wanted to go with me." Me: "Wow... yeah! Well, how much is it?" Her: "Oh, I already paid for it. If I don't find someone to go with me I'll have to go alone, and that won't be any fun. Its all inclusive, and its at a resort, so everything that we'll want to do w...

Well, I had a very eventful weekend... okay I lied: I didn't. The main "excitement" of my weekend was this: going to my sister's and watching a movie while doing my laundry and hanging out with her and Isaak. The rest of the weekend I left my apartment once to go get doritos to put in the massive batch of taco salad I made. So yeah.. the rest of the weekend was spent mourning the sad attempts of the Pistons and watching the second season of Friends on DVD.

This is one of the latest pictures of my dog. This was taken when we were at my sister's. He loves peeking over the side and back of that couch! He's so cute!!!!!!

Sorry about the gross pictures! I just want to inform everyone... not trying to over-share! They turned out dark on this computer compared to on my phone, so I'm not sure whether its just the settings on the computer or what. Sorry about that. The signs of bed bugs from what I understand are that they are usually contained to a certain area. For instance, mine started on my armpits. I sleep on my stomach, so most of them were on the front of my body. They are very itchy. They don't exactly look like flea or mosquito bites, but everyone does react differently. The best way to protect yourself from them is to get a fully encased zipped hypo-allergenic mattress cover. I paid about $60 bucks for mine at target, and it was microfiber. Its really nice and I'm glad I was kinda forced to buy it. They are good at hiding, so if you suspect them, you need to vaccum EVERYTHING. INSIDE everything, under everything, around... etc. They can go for months without feeding so the best way th...

So the mystery of the "rash" has been discovered. At least I think so. I'm pretty sure they were some sort of bites. I have cleaned my room, purchased at $60 fully encased zipped mattress cover, and cleaned again.. vaccumming ever possible crevice in and around my bed. I did this because after much research on the internet, I thought that I might have somehow gotten bed bugs. Contrary to much belief, this is not due to bad hygeine. I clean a lot actually (Believe it or not Deven). I like my apartment to be free of clutter and mess. However, i did have some things under my bed where I found one insect that was dead I believe was a bed bug. It was just a decorative box, but its made of wood and they apparently love wood. It got into the crack and must have been hiding in there. They get in from luggage or even clothing. One could have crawled on my dog and made a home in my apartment basically overnight. This started last Monday. That's when I got bitten all...

Poor Whitney Houston. Maybe I shouldn't say "poor" her. She has made choices in her life that have made her only a shell of what she used to be. I watched a You Tube Video of her pre-Grammy Performance last night. It was not impressive. Her voice is nothing like what it used to be... mostly likely from using drugs and living a hard life, probably mostly due to getting involved with Bobby Brown. If you are interested, go and check it out. I have been inspired recently to practice some of her songs to do at karaoke again. How fun. I do love a challenge!

I'm sure Katrina Darrell is really busy GOOGLING herself, so Hopefully she reads this! Let's Start with this article: In case there were any lingering doubts, Ryan Seacrest made it clear on his KIIS morning show Thursday that he's just not that into Bikini Girl. If you've been living in a cave and have not heard of Bikini Girl, let us recap: She's the Chino Hills 20-year-old model who wore a bikini to her "American Idol" audition, landing the support of judges Simon Cowell and Randy Jackson and causing the consternation of Paula Abdul and Kara DioGuardi. She also declared that she had a mad crush on Seacrest and forced him to kiss her, even though it was clear he didn't want to. Katrina Darrell is her name. And she was booted out during Wednesday's Hollywood rounds after she chose sleeping over rehearsing and drama ensued. On Thursday, Seacrest kicked off a phone chat with her by letting her know that she's "very polarizing." "Th...

Question: IF said rash/bumps are/is a yeast infection on the skin, how does one get rid of it? I've only ever really heard of the other kind of yeast infections and know that there are treatments you can get over the counter. But if it is on my skin, what do I do to get rid of it faster? (-Thanks Deven's mom, aka Pam)

I have a strange rash/ itchy red bumps taking over my body!!!! I thought it was from a medication, but the doctor isn't sure. They say its probably an allergic reaction. I haven't changed laundry soaps or anything so I'm a little concerned. It started around my under arms and upper chest and has gradually worked its way south. Does anyone have an idea of what it might be? I'd go to the doctor if my high deductible insurance covered it!

I have used 319 out of my over 6000 minutes allowed on my cell phone plan for this month. The 6000 includes rollover minutes. However... I have sent & received over 4000 text messages. This may be out of control. I've gotten to the point where I almost hate talking on the phone. So many times there are what seem like awkward pauses and I don't like that. You don't have to really worry about that with texting. Plus, you can send a quick text at work. Part of the 4000 I must say are from my sister. She doesn't currently have a phone, so she texts me through yahoo messenger. We do this quite a bit... so don't think I'm too out of control. Also, I tend not to abbreviate "you" to "u" or "are" to "r." I'm not a prepubescent girl, after all!

So I talked to a friend I hadn't spoken to in a while. I ran into her mom first at the store, and she told me Andrea's car had gotten stolen. I was really surprised. Not because she doesn't have a nice car- she does. However, what happened was this: Her car was stolen and completely totalled. Her purse and ID were in her car but nothing was taken. The police say its personal. A few months back, she got moved from the store she managed to a different store. I would use her words, but they would be pretty offensive if you didn't know her. But basically someone that she managed said that she was racist (completely not true) and the district or regional manager moved her to another store. A few weeks ago I guess she was at a party and this other girl was there. Andrea can barely control her mouth normally and apparently she had a few drinks and ran her mouth a bit. Then... suddenly her car gets stolen and demolished. So now she's moving and eventually needing...

Thanks for those of you who inquired about my mom at any given time. She seems to be going better. I didn't get to see her this weekend because I ended up needing to get some things accomplished. However, I hope to go see her tomorrow night. Nothing else really new that is post-worthy with me. I have a really boring life and only have a few minutes until I have to start working again.

This may tick some people off... but I'm not sure that it matters because this is true! People who have children and buy them those stupid heely shoes and let them wheel around in public places are morons. I was (regrettably) at the laundromat yesterday. Although, I must say how nice it is spending an hour and a half doing my laundry rather than a whole day. ANYWAY- These people came in. A couple probably in their 30s- typical Lake Odessa people. They had what I assumed was their daughter who looked to be somewhere between 8-12. She was at first wheeling around them, which was annoying enough. The Lake Odessa Laundromat is pretty small by comparison to most and it can get pretty dang loud in there pretty fast. So this girl starts going around the whole laundromat with these stupid heely shoes. It was so loud it actually hurt my ears to be in there. They said NOTHING to ask her to stop. NOTHING to ask her to stay by them. NOTHING when I got so annoyed by the sheer volume...