Fear.

Fear is something that people seek out. Whether it be through movies, roller coasters or so-called haunted houses. People chase storms for the sheer thrill of the fear it makes them feel.

Fear is also something that can be crippling. Fear can bind us and hinder us from where we feel like we should go with our lives and where God wants us to be in our lives spiritually and emotionally.

Fear is something I've dealt with ever since I can remember. When I was younger, I was afraid of the dark, had nightmares. I even thought I saw people watching me through my windows. I was afraid. I was afraid of what people thought of me, what people didn't think of me and even how I felt about myself.

When I started college I was afraid I wouldn't make any friends. I was afraid no one would like me and that it would be four years of loneliness. For those of you who went to college with me, you obviously know this didn't happen. I got some great advice from someone that I met my freshman year. She said basically that the worst thing I could do with my college experience was go through it not being myself and not making the best of it. I took that to heart immediately and have never regretted it.

Now my fears seem to be more numerous than they ever have been. I'm afraid of where my life is going- and where it isn't going. I'm afraid of how I feel. I'm afraid that my mom won't get better- and that she'll never be the same. I'm afraid that my Aunt is going to die and I'm afraid of how I'm going to feel when she's gone. I'm afraid of how I feel about the other more personal things in my life and I'm afraid I'll get hurt again. I'm afraid that I might be wrong. I'm afraid I'll never accomplish any of my hopes and dreams- including having a husband, family and fulfilling career. I'm afraid I'll never make a real impact.

I have let fear rule my life. I'm afraid of how I feel, so I don't share my feelings. I'm afraid of what people think of me so I keep to myself until I get comfortable with people- which can take a long time sometimes. I'm afraid of never doing anything with my talents so I keep them to myself. I'm afraid of all the sickness happening with my mom and my aunt, so I try to distance myself from it and put it out of my mind- which is not always possible.

I bring this up because I had a visit with a wonderful couple tonight and Dave brought up fear. I've been thinking about my fear a lot lately because I have a lot of time to think. I've realized how much fear has crippled me and hindered my relationships. Dave said he used to be afraid of everything, but he's not anymore.

I want to be like that. I want to feel like I can share my feelings when its important. I can always share my feelings when it doesn't make me vulnerable. However, when it comes to vulnerability- again I'm scared. I hate that I'm scared, but often think that its "natural" to be scared. But at some point, I have to make myself vulnerable.

I took a tiny step tonight. Davies often asks me what I'm thinking... and honestly it scares me sometimes. I'm afraid that when I tell him what I'm really thinking it will be too much. Part of this comes from an actual experience where a guy I worked with asked me what I was thinking, and before I realized it I was telling him, and about two minutes later- after explaining my train of thought, he just said "Wow."

Anyway, tonight Davies asked me what I was thinking, and I told him I was thinking about what Dave said about fear, and that I could really relate to that, because I'm afraid a lot. I just left it at that, because I was afraid (there it is again) that if I started listing all the things I was afraid of that he would be too overwhelmed and I didn't know what he would think of that.

There are so many other things that I have not listed that I could say I'm fearful of. I don't want to bore anyone (all three people that read this) with the details.

I guess I just was wondering if anyone else can relate to this. I know there are so many Scriptures that go with these feelings. What are your favorites? Just curious. If you think of it, say a prayer for me and this fear that I tend to carry.

Comments

N. VanDervort said…
I have fear too . . . can't quote scripture about it at this point, but you are not alone.

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