Aunt Neen

In case you didn't know, My Aunt died Saturday. She was a huge part of my life... she always will be. She's the person who helped make me who I am. A lot of my sense of humor and my alleged wittiness is because of how much time I've spent with her throughout my life.

Its taken me a while to write this because every time I think about it, or say it out loud... it doesn't seem like it could be true. I was there. I saw her body lifeless, not breathing that day. I still find it surreal. I went to the viewing. Even as I walked into the funeral home it didn't seem like this could be possible. How could Aunt Neen be dead? How is this fair? She was only 54 years old!

She fought valliantly... stubbornly. Imagine that, a member of my family is stubborn! She defied everything they said of her with this cancer. They said it would be two months. She went three and a half. They said a few days after going off dialysis, maybe a week. It was a week and a half. These may seem like small things but I know she didn't want to die. I know she wanted to fight and fight and never give up.

I know she didn't want to because I was there when hospice first came to the house. I was in her room with her. I had gone to see her and to bring my dog to see her too... because she loved him so much. She said to me "I don't know why they're all here. I think they think I'm dying." I wanted to cry... but I couldn't do it in front of her. She was so brave... how could I be so weak in her presence?

I never thought I could feel more pain in losing someone after Andrea died last year. I still miss her every day. But when I grew up... gosh.. I spent so much time with my Aunt, if we didn't live in a small town people would have believed I was her daughter (I say that because everyone knows everyone, so they knew who my mom really was). She did so much for me and in the end all I can do for her is sing at her funeral. I was there for her.. I visited her.. I was there every day in the end. But that doesn't make me feel like I somehow lost time with her by not being there every day for the last two years.

I know this is all part of the process. Part of me thinks that if I go to Grandma's house, that she's still going to be there. Not like she was in the end.. just in bed not able to really respond. She'd be there like she always was... full of life, laughter and just love.

No matter what I said or did... no matter how I screwed up.. she always loved me. No matter what... she was always there for me. Never in judgment... always in love and understanding... and usually with humor.

I know although she couldn't really respond to me at the end.. I know... in my heart of hearts that she heard me say how much I loved her, and when I thanked her for everyhing she's done for me in my life. I know she heard me. I know she loved me. She didn't know any other way.


Sorry to hear about your loss it been a while since i read your blog. But jsut know shes in a better place.

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