Relationships

With the way things have been going with me lately, I've been doing a lot of thinking. I was thinking about how my relationships have gone in the past... as well as just my past experiences.

One thing I'm beginning to wonder if I know how to be in a relationship. I have been alone for so long I don't know if I know how to be with someone. This really scares me to death, because I don't want to be alone- and I don't believe God created any of us to be alone.

I don't want to be alone- but right now I feel like its all I know. I really do feel alone in the world right now. I'm not sure anyone can know or understand all the things I feel.

I know that the Lord is there to comfort me- believe that. Sometimes it just nice to have a friend to talk to and who will just be there and let you cry on their shoulder. I don't really feel like I have any friends close enough in proximity to do that for me.

Sometimes you just need a hug, you know?

Lies

I have never understood why some people lie. I know that we've all done it- whether its "you look great in that," or "no, your dog isn't annoying," or "your baby is so cute!" However, when it matters... when it really truly matters, why lie?

I'm going to surprise myself with how much I'm going to share- I know already. I was recently in a relationship with a man, and I'm now finding out/realizing that my deepest thoughts may have been true- and that he told me at least more than one lie. What I don't understand about people is do they really think I'm that dumb? And by people I mean do men really think I'm that dumb? Do I look like I can be easily fooled? I'm told I look young, but never dumb. Maybe that's another lie! Who knows?!

The point is this: Men: Don't lie. The woman in your life (whether it be significant other, friend, or even family member) has an undeniable intuition that she may or may not ignore... but the truth always does come out.

Yes- by nature women are curious- as someone once told me "nosy.' Do you want to know why we are? Because we've been hurt before and we're trying to protect ourselves from the lies that many men tend to tell... for no real good reason.

I can handle the truth any day, but to me, there is no reason for a lie.

Al Capone once said that "The only reason you lie is that you are afraid." I think that a lot of times this is true. Maybe you're afraid of what people would really think, how they will react, or maybe you're just afraid to be yourself. I know a lot of time for me, its because I'm afraid of rejection. I've had so much rejection in my life I shouldn't be afraid of it anymore. However, the fear comes from knowing how much the rejection hurts. For those of you who may not know- I try to put up a tough front but I'm pretty sensitive. I take things harder than a lot of people. I've always been sensitive. Ask anyone who I went to elementary school with. I'm sure they'll tell you all sorts of names I was called... and then the name I got when I was made fun of for reacting to those names.

All these things have made me who I am... and I know that everything happens for a reason. The hurt is just so much sometimes.

Too long

I've let fear rule my life for too long. I'm trying to turn that around and be more bold in my relationship with someone I care for deeply. We'll see how this goes!

Pray for me- anyone who reads this.

How well do you really know your friends?

I was just wondering how well we know the people we call our friends. All day- any day- a single person can have millions of thoughts. So, this leads me to wonder how well we know each other. We think we know each other, but how much do we really know?

Sure- we know things like our closest friends pet peeves, birthdays/anniversaries, middle name, and favorite food. Do we know their deepest fears, personal struggles, thoughts? Do you know if your best friend ever feels lonely, depressed, hopeless? Or do you only hear about the "up" times?

I don't know about you, but for me its more difficult to share when I'm hurting. I love to tell good news- no matter what its about.. whether its a new pair of shoes, a new job, or a new love. However, when I'm hurting, I'm more likely to keep that "news" to myself. It just makes me wonder how much we really conceal from each other when we really shouldn't.

Maybe its just because I live alone and get lonely that I have more time to think than people with kids/extra jobs/etc. I don't know. I don't really think my thoughts are that deep most of the time. I think I'm pretty logical for the most part. But sometimes I get lost in my own head and allow myself to get lost in lonliness and fear rather than in hope and Truth.

Its kind of like when someone asks you how you are and doesn't even wait for you to answer before they walk away. I hate when people do that. If you don't really care to even hear my canned answer, don't bother asking the question. But even more than listening to canned answers, shouldn't we ask the question "How are you really doing?" How are you handling your current situation (whether it be lonliness, family illness, fear, pride... the list goes on).

I just think there are a lot of questions we don't ask each other that need to be asked. Especially if you truly care about your friends and their well-being... ask an extra question or two. Get to know that person a little better... a little deeper. I've never regretted getting to know someone on a deeper level. Never.

I found out today why the USPS is ineffective and why they constantly change rates. I went to track something I had purchased a while back. I tracked it with the little number the place gave me when bought the item online. I found that it was "in transit," but found the history of the package interesting. It had come from somewhere out of state to go to Wyoming, MI(for those of you who are not familiar-that's basically Grand Rapids). Then from there, it went to Lansing, Mi. From there it said my package was in transit to its final destination.

Now this may not seem that odd, until you look at a map of Michigan and where I am in relation to Grand Rapids and Lansing. I live in Lake Odessa, which is actually about halfway inbetween Grand Rapids and Lansing.

On the map above, both Grand Rapids and Lansing are circled in red. Grand Rapids/Wyoming being the red circle on the left (west) and the other red circle being Lansing. The green circle is where my package is headed for. So why does the USPS feel the need to send it from the huge post office in Grand Rapids to the one in Lansing- only to send it to its final destination in Lake Odessa, which is actually back-tracking?

And we all wonder why postage costs go up every year.

Fear.

Fear is something that people seek out. Whether it be through movies, roller coasters or so-called haunted houses. People chase storms for the sheer thrill of the fear it makes them feel.

Fear is also something that can be crippling. Fear can bind us and hinder us from where we feel like we should go with our lives and where God wants us to be in our lives spiritually and emotionally.

Fear is something I've dealt with ever since I can remember. When I was younger, I was afraid of the dark, had nightmares. I even thought I saw people watching me through my windows. I was afraid. I was afraid of what people thought of me, what people didn't think of me and even how I felt about myself.

When I started college I was afraid I wouldn't make any friends. I was afraid no one would like me and that it would be four years of loneliness. For those of you who went to college with me, you obviously know this didn't happen. I got some great advice from someone that I met my freshman year. She said basically that the worst thing I could do with my college experience was go through it not being myself and not making the best of it. I took that to heart immediately and have never regretted it.

Now my fears seem to be more numerous than they ever have been. I'm afraid of where my life is going- and where it isn't going. I'm afraid of how I feel. I'm afraid that my mom won't get better- and that she'll never be the same. I'm afraid that my Aunt is going to die and I'm afraid of how I'm going to feel when she's gone. I'm afraid of how I feel about the other more personal things in my life and I'm afraid I'll get hurt again. I'm afraid that I might be wrong. I'm afraid I'll never accomplish any of my hopes and dreams- including having a husband, family and fulfilling career. I'm afraid I'll never make a real impact.

I have let fear rule my life. I'm afraid of how I feel, so I don't share my feelings. I'm afraid of what people think of me so I keep to myself until I get comfortable with people- which can take a long time sometimes. I'm afraid of never doing anything with my talents so I keep them to myself. I'm afraid of all the sickness happening with my mom and my aunt, so I try to distance myself from it and put it out of my mind- which is not always possible.

I bring this up because I had a visit with a wonderful couple tonight and Dave brought up fear. I've been thinking about my fear a lot lately because I have a lot of time to think. I've realized how much fear has crippled me and hindered my relationships. Dave said he used to be afraid of everything, but he's not anymore.

I want to be like that. I want to feel like I can share my feelings when its important. I can always share my feelings when it doesn't make me vulnerable. However, when it comes to vulnerability- again I'm scared. I hate that I'm scared, but often think that its "natural" to be scared. But at some point, I have to make myself vulnerable.

I took a tiny step tonight. Davies often asks me what I'm thinking... and honestly it scares me sometimes. I'm afraid that when I tell him what I'm really thinking it will be too much. Part of this comes from an actual experience where a guy I worked with asked me what I was thinking, and before I realized it I was telling him, and about two minutes later- after explaining my train of thought, he just said "Wow."

Anyway, tonight Davies asked me what I was thinking, and I told him I was thinking about what Dave said about fear, and that I could really relate to that, because I'm afraid a lot. I just left it at that, because I was afraid (there it is again) that if I started listing all the things I was afraid of that he would be too overwhelmed and I didn't know what he would think of that.

There are so many other things that I have not listed that I could say I'm fearful of. I don't want to bore anyone (all three people that read this) with the details.

I guess I just was wondering if anyone else can relate to this. I know there are so many Scriptures that go with these feelings. What are your favorites? Just curious. If you think of it, say a prayer for me and this fear that I tend to carry.

I'm sure that many of you have heard about this ridiculous media frenzy about John and Kate from "John and Kate Plus 8."

I hear more about it, since I leave my TV on for my dog. You see, I get home and all those stupid (sorry, I'm not a fan of them) entertainment shows are on. So, there's much speculation about "what happened" and why it happened. I have a simple opinion.

If he did cheat- which that eventually is between the two of them and their marriage, even though they did thrust themselves into the spotlight- IF he did, I think I can see why he did. His wife, from just the clips that I have seen, constantly emasculates him. Telling him he breathes too loud, telling him he needs to do this or do that. I'm sorry if this sounds prehistoric or not 21st century enough, but men do still need to be treated like men. Husbands should know that they are valued, loved (the way they are- loud breathing and all) and treated like the man they are.

Kate treats him a little bit like a dog or a child. Actually I wouldn't talk to my dog the way she talks to him. The blame is not all hers though. They both need to talk about this, about how they want or NEED to be treated. Counseling may be a good idea if this marriage is salvagable. I don't know. I know I wouldn't want to be treated that way by someone who said they loved me. I know I wouldn't be happy, and people have to do what they have to do for their own personal happiness. Hopefully for the kids they can work it out, but no one but them really knows.

I know, I'm not married.. blah blah blah- I don't need to hear that. I know! However, I have learned some things about men. Not only just in my dealings with men, but also in reading "Captivating" written by John and Stasi Eldridge. In this book, it talks about what women long for (to be pursued and held as "captivating," among other things), and how men were created to be pursuers, and hunters and need to know they are needed as well as wanted. This can be hard for us independent women to convey and truly show.

I also do not feel sorry for this couple because the media is in their business. Sorry- you invited the media into your business when you decided to exploit your children to have a reality show, become fake celebrities, and get free things just so you have shows people will watch.

So, why do people feel the need to insult other people's dogs? I might be a little sensitive to this, but here's what I've heard regarding my (adorable) dog.

"Look at that little dust mop"
"What a furry mut" - I cleaned that one up, because it had bad language included also.
"he needs a haircut"
"he looks like a girl with his hair like that"

Okay.. so my dog is like my child, since I don't have any human babies yet. So, why do people think its okay to insult my dog? Would I go up to someone and tell them their son looked like a girl? Would I tell you your child needs a haircut? Probably not to a complete stranger. And I definitely wouldn't insult the child by calling it a mut or something worse than that... It just really bugs me. I have actually told people that they are rude. I wouldn't do that to you, so don't do that to others!

So yes, my dog's hair is supposed to be long (its a shih tzu, purebred... google it), and yes his hair is in a ponytail, but that is the desired look for shih tzus- male or female. And yes, they are supposed to have long hair (male and female). I keep it long because I think they look weird with short hair and those big eyes. This is my dog (my "child"), my choice.

To answer Deven's question on my last post, they took their trash down... it took them two days to get rid of two bags... and now there's more crap there! Yay! One garbage bag and a box full of hoses or something. I don't know. They were also up and loud until after 4 am this morning. Rock on... that's my favorite.

So really how stupid have people become? He's a good story.

So I got some new neighbors. They have been nothing but a problem. For those of you who don't know, I live in a house that was turned into apartments. There are four apartments in the house. Two are upstairs (one being mine) and two are downstairs. My new neighbors are in the other upstairs apartment.

This is how the outside of my place is set up: THe stairs go straight up, and the first door is my door. Then there's a little walkway/porch/landing. Then you walk about three feet and there is the other door.

My new neighbors have had their trash outside their door on the landing for over a week. This disgusts me. Not only is this gross, but WE HAVE TRASH SERVICE. Its literally a walk down the stairs and a 40 foot walk to take trash to the trash can.

So Last night, my disgust had reached a new level, and I left a note on their door saying something like this: "You need to take care of your trash. That is disgusting. We have trash service, use it!"

Not too mean, but authoritative I thought.

Well, this morning I wake up and go to let my dog out, and my note is on my door saying something like this "we will, but please let us know where to put the trash."

Really?! Where? Where do most people put their trash to be picked up by the trash man? Most of the time, in a residential situation I think everyone knows that they come to the curb and pick it up. Well, some people don't have the trash bins, and I understand that. However, about 5 feet from our driveway there is a rather large brown trash bin. Its right next to our house and there is no possible way it could be mistaken to belong to another home.

I wrote back "Its not rocket science, you put it in the trash bin near the road!"

This may seem harsh to some, but let me tell you that this is not the first problem I've had with these people. A few weekends ago they woke me up with their loudness at 4 am. I went over and asked them to keep it down, since it was.. well 4 am. The guy who answered said he'd try. I told him he wouldn't try, he would or I WOULD call the police. He was quiet for a while but woke me up again at six. This time I didn't get up or even call the cops because I was so out of it.

However, for those of you who have never roomed with me or travelled with me, I must say that I'm a pretty hard sleeper. I always have been. I'm not like Micah who could wake up to a turn of a knob. And having been on tour so many times with Chorale, I've also learned to sleep pretty much anywhere.

Anyway, some people at my work said I should have written instructions and a map on how to take out the trash. Lol. I really wish I would have. However, I will call our landlord if the trash is still there when I get home today! The last thing I need is to be taking my dog out late at night and come out to my walkway to a skunk or raccoon going through their garbage.