My Heart - by Kristen Lea

I thought I had a great weekend! I spent it with a guy who is great! He's generous, Godly, and likes me for me. I've only goten one text from him since. I'm a bit worried, since he donated a kidney, therefore only has one. I hope he is okay. I am also worried that maybe he didn't like me that much. :( He was in the hospital for a short amount of time, at least til tuesday. He told me that he was released. So I'm a little confused... a friend told me I shouldn't have cause to worry yet. I don't know how when I should start worrying. I feel very rejected either way!

Don't ever use free credit score.com. I hate these people right now. They tell you that they will give you a credit score free, then ask for your card to "verify your identity" and then charge you a 15 dollar "membership fee" for them to watch your credit score. Then when you call them, like I did they say "you got a free credit score." I told them, No I didn't because you charged me. Then they gave me my money back. ALSO, never buy anything online through walmart. I did.. well tried.. twice this weekend. First Friday I put in an order for a laptop. Then it got cancelled, which they never told me. I only found it was cancelled by checking the status of my order. They said it was cancelled because they "couldn't verify the security of my payment" or some BS. I used paypal!!! Anyway, Then SATURDAY, I tried again using my debit card. So, they cancelled it AGAIN stating that it was basically an inventory issue (they didn't hav...

Lyrics to a Buckcherry song called "sorry" Oh I have a lot to say was thinking of my time away I missed you and things weren't the same Cause everything inside it never comes out right And when I see you cry it makes me want to die I'm sorry I'm bad I'm sorry you're blue I'm sorry about all the things I said to you And I know I can't take it back I love how you kiss, I love all your sounds, and baby the way you make my world go round And I just wanted to say I'm sorry This time I think I'm to blame It's harder to get through the days You get older and blame turns to shame Every single day I think about how we came all this way the sleepless nights and the tears you've cried its never to late to make it right all right sorry I'm sorry I'm bad I'm sorry you're blue I'm sorry about all the things I said to you And I know I can't take it back I love how you kiss, I love all your sounds, and baby the way you make ...

Wow. I just read an article online (link is above.. click on the title of the blog) that says that Miley Cyrus is going to be the "mentor" on this week's "Idol." Really AI? Couldn't find someone better than MILEY "Man voice" Cyrus? She has NO range and flat out can't sing. The only reason she has a career is because she came out of the "Disney Machine," which turns any one of their little stars on the Disney Channel into a "singer." This disgusts me. Hello- Crystal Bowersox (i think that's how you spell her name) needs NO advice from Miley Cyrus. Seriously?! This season has been bad, but still, I venture to say all of those kids are better singers than Miley. This just disgusts me.

I'm as confused as ever. I got an e-mail from the man I love saying I shouldn't have to wait for him because his life is insecure right now and very uncertain... saying we should be friends. Am I too much of a girl if this says to me "yes, I should wait"? Especially when a man tells me that I'm a good woman and I deserve better. Would a lesser man say that? I don't know. Is it a line to keep me "on the line" as suggested by someone else I know? I don't know. I'm just trying to pray for strength and wisdom.. maybe some discernment. Its hard for me to see this objectively.

No, I don't feel like I should have to pay for people's healthcare that can't pay for it themselves. The end.

So I stumbled across a video online while reading another article that really made me surprisingly angry. (Click on the title of this post to get to the video). This woman, Sandy Rios was talking (and really going off) about the new Lady Gaga video. She was saying that this video was poisoning the mind of our children, and also had the audacity to say it was mentally raping them. This really ticks me off, because any parent who is allowing or encouraging their children to watch this Lady Gaga video shouldn't have kids. No, its not for kids... It is not meant for kids. People shouldn't be allowing their kids to watch these things... and if they fault is theirs. Although some of the video is shocking (I began to watch it at work, and switched it off because she wasn't wearing a whole lot, and it was rather racy). However, she's not wearing much less than Beyonce does in a performance (she's a big fan of the leotards lately). I know Lady Gaga is polarizing, but s...

Just for you men.. I'd like to give you some advice. When you want to "take a break" or break-up with a woman... just do it. Don't drag it out... don't play games behind her back, don't stop calling/e-mailing/returning her calls. Don't change your phone number. Don't just disappear. You see, you might see this as the easiest way out... but its the cowardly way out. Its the weak way out. You see this as avoiding the tears, maybe the anger that she will have toward you. However, we see it as demeaning, insulting, and flat out rude. There's no closure. No explanation. Believe me, we'd much rather know that you're "just not that into us" rather than not knowing what happened. You see, when we don't know what happened, we blame ourselves. We think "maybe its because I said this." Or maybe we think its because we did that (or didn't do something else). We don't know. This is not right. You can at least me...

I give up. I can't take it anymore. I just give up. Love isn't worth the heartache.

I miss him. I don't know what to do. There's no way for me to contact him. I feel helpless. I hate feeling that way. Did I mention I miss him? Its not normal to be seeing someone and not actually SEE them for a long period of time. I'm ashamed to even say how long. But I know it isn't my fault. Is it his fault? I don't know. All I know is that the one person I want to talk to in the whole world is the one person I haven't been able to talk with for too long. So many people tell me their opinions. They tell me their opinion of a man they've never met. The only person who hasn't told me to cut my losses is my best friend... because she knows me best. I hope that's why at least... oh and my friend Amber... she told me to follow my heart. I have been following my heart. Now my heart hurts. But in the end could it all be worth it? Maybe. I don't know. I'm too used to being abandoned and having my heart broken. I hate it. Can't ONE t...

I remember back in the day watching figure skating... and if the person fell, they were pretty much out of the running for metals. Now, the way the score it is so jacked up, that if you fall, but you have a bunch of other (not artistic, but difficult) crap in your routine, you still get a metal? This does not make sense to me. I watched MOST of the pairs skating last night... and I saw a lot of people falling, and one pair which got the bronze. But there were many other couples who did a fine job without falling who got much lower scores because they didn't pad their scores with extra points by grabbing the blade of their skate (making it much less artistic if you ask me) and doing all sorts of ugly positions while spinning. WHAT HAPPENED?! Why did they ruin this competitive sport? Its not as fun to watch as it used to be. No one has any clue where the points come from anymore. I feel sorry for most of the people who skate in this sport, because I think the scoring has ruin...

I often wonder if happiness is in the cards (so to speak) for me. Doesn't it seem so often that only some people get happiness, and others get a life full of heartache, pain, strife and struggle? I am wondering now if I will ever find happiness. The world has been a pretty cruel place to me, especially since I've gotten out of college. Most of my friends have married and started making lives and families for themselves. I am almost 30, single, and lost and heartbroken. I wonder if I will find someone who will be able to love me. I often wonder how I am single and so many other people have found their matches. What is it about me that makes me unlovable? I don't know. I thought I had a good heart but now I'm wondering if I don't just deserve all this for one reason or another.

I have never once had a good Valentine's day... I'm starting to wonder if I ever will. This year I expect nothing so I'm not disappointed. That's how I view life these days.... expect nothing so you don't get disappointed and hurt. This is no way to go through life. And by the way it doesn't work. I always end up disappointed anyway. Because even though I tell myself to expect nothing, still in the back of my mind I think "well just maybe...." Actually this way of life has become a lot better in the past year or so. Before then, I would literally expect nothing, look for nothing more out of life, and got nothing more. When I decided to expect more, and look for more, I got more... but now I'm wondering if there's even more . Don't I deserve more? I try to tell myself I do, although usually I wonder if its true. Things have been really difficult for me lately and its been getting me down. I often wonder when things will start going ...

How do some people seem to be able to share their innermost feelings so easily? I find my opionions on stupid things (that don't really matter like politics) are so easy to share, yet my feelings of love towards family and the love of my life are soooo much more difficult to share? Does everyone feel this way or am I somehow handicapped?

When you jump to a conclusion, is it usually right? I hate when something happens and I automatically go to the worst possible scenario ever..... this happened to me again. I hadn't heard from my man in about two weeks and I was freaking out... thinking he was either dead or something just as bad...... and it turns out it was just a series of circumstances that led to that happening. Not cool.

I am extremely frustrated right now... and there's nothing I can really do about it. Last Friday (not the 29th, but the 22nd)- I got a message via IM from my man saying that he was going to call me. This might seem wierd, but he not too long ago traveled home to Africa in for a family emergency and was gone for a while. In order to get money for the extremely expensive trip, he sold his phone to a friend. Well, since then he hasn't had a phone. And that I know of, since he's been back he hasn't gotten a job. Employers apparently don't like it when you pick up and leave for another country for months. Anyway, we haven't had phone contact since he left and has been back. The last time he tried to call me from his computer, I didn't answer because it said "Unknown number" and on my phone, that usually means someone calling for some guy named Charlie Jones that I don't know, never have known and never will know. He apparently isn't too g...

Apparently last night on his show, Jay Leno said something like this about this whole late night debacle: "Its just business..when you don't get the ratings they take you off the air." Really, Leno? You mean like your failing show? The one that has been cancelled because of its ratings? Hey Leno, remember when it took you 18 months to get your ratings to where the network wanted them? So you just crap all over Conan's dream because you can't face the facts that your out of date and ridiculously unfunny. I will never watch The Tonight Show again while Leno is hosting. He is not funny, irrelevant, and in my eyes, ridiculously not classy, for allowing this whole thing to happen becaues you can't realize that you should be wearing all denim every day "working" on your cars and eating unhealthy food. I'm ashamed that I know that much about him.

When I go to work, this might sound crazy, but I leave the TV on for the dog. I usually watch the Today show in the morning (mostly for the weather). So when I get home, the TV is still on NBC. And about the time I get home, those entertainment non-news shows are on. So today when I got home, this "celebrity" Heidi Montag was on one of them. She was saying that she wasn't addicted to plastic surgery, she did this for her "music career" (although she refused to sing for the person interviewing her), and that she was a "strong Christian" and that God made her the way she was, but he also brought her plastic surgeon into the world and he could have put the man on this earth because he knew she was going to try to have a music career and want plastic surgery. All that after admitting she didn't like the way she looked before. First of all: God makes us all the way we are: Psalm 139:13-17- "For you created my inmost being; you knit me togeth...

I have heard over the years (even Conan has said it) that Leno is a "class act." He might not be funny but he supposedly a "good guy." If he were such a great guy, he would bow out of this whole situation. I understand that he supposedly didn't want to leave the tonight show(he wanted to continue telling lame, unfunny jokes for years to come apparently), but the network decided to go another direction. Can you blame them? Now, its more about pleasing affiliates and new owners than anything else. Conan hasn't had a chance to really establish himself and his show (let alone settle in to his new home, no doubt)... and they're considering breaching the contract they signed years ago. I don't care where Conan is, wherever he is, whatever network- I'll watch him. I will never watch Leno again. I think this whole thing would be fairly easily fixed if he did bow out, and do the graceful, classy thing. He doesn't seem to be doing that. Which pisses me...

For those of you who were not aware... I love Conan. I have a freaking conan coffee mug from the NBC store I love him so much. My love for conan has been described as... unnatural.. obsessive... and so totally awesome. lol. The point is, I hope Conan Stays with the tonight show... if for no other reason than to make Leno stay with a lousy half hour show (which will most likely get cancelled), and stay under the tonight show title. I think conan deserves it. He's SOOO much funnier than Leno (when was the last time Leno was funny? oh, and headlines don't count, because he does nothing for those). Please Conan STAY ON THE TONIGHT SHOW! Show NBC who can really be successful! I will watch you no matter where you are, but I think that it would be a shame for you to not be the host of the Tonight Show. Don't let Leno continue to Dumb down humor for those who can't understand good humor.

Yeah, I said it... Leno Sucks. He's not funny. If NBC knew anything about TV or culture, or FUNNY, they would give Leno the heave ho. I am PISSED that they're pushing Conan back To give Leno a half-hour long show. I will always be sure that my TV is NOT on NBC for that time, and still Record Conan (whether he's on FOX or NBC). I am boycotting Leno. Seriously, if Leno knows what's good for him he'll retire. I thought that's what he wanted anyway? LENO: You were funny 20 years ago, but your jokes are lame and NOT funny now. I will not watch your show and I will encourage anyone I know not to watch it. (I'm not dellusional enough to believe he would actually read by blog, just venting).

Thanks to those of you who follow me.. lately postings have been few and far between, mostly because I was without internet at home for a while. Posting via Blackberry can be soo tedious. I was reading on google news today that Leno's new 10pm show is struggling. This does not surprise me. I don't find any of his jokes funny, I find them lame. The only funny things he does are headlines and jaywalking, and those don't really have anything to do with his jokes, they just show the stupidity of people in general. I also read something about him possibly going back to 11:30... wait.. he's struggling at one time, so NBC really things putting him at his old time will help? Hey, NBC, its not the timeslot. I think its time for Leno to retire from TV. Its long overdue. He does the same jokes night after night and they're not usually funny the first time. They said they would give Conan a choice whether he wants to go to another network. Apparently this is all specula...