Clarification

I feel like for some reason I need to make some clarifications.

I'm a pretty open book when it comes to my life, my missteps, my failures and even my fears. I would like to be clear about what has happened with my former marriage.

I married someone too quickly. I think it was timing. I think he just said all the right things at the right time. To be honest, I knew that if he loved me, he definitely loved me much more than I loved him, but I thought that was okay. I thought I wasn't going to be alone anymore. There was going to be someone there who would be there for me when I needed him. And yes there were times that he held me when I cried. One thing when we first got together that really touched me was him playing the song "You are not alone" by Michael Jackson. Maybe he just somehow knew that was what I needed to hear. I don't know how, but maybe he did.

However, within months of getting married I knew that if we hadn't been married, I would have broken up with him. If we had just been dating, we would have been over. There were major problems. The small things... not helping me around the house. I would go to work, he would stay at home and literally talk on the phone all day. Then I would come home and have to do housework, after working all day when he did nothing.

Communication. He refused to communicate. I have a tendency to shut down at times, and I admit to that. However, for months I told him we needed to talk to Pastor Mike and do marriage counseling. He would say "oh you think so?" then laugh and walk away.

I tried to make my marriage work. However, looking back, I know that there was no chance for that to have happened. I even just learned something last night that made me shudder. Let's just say a person I trust referred to him as a "Nigerian Con Artist." I cannot disagree after what she told me.

There are other, very private, embarrassing things that I will not share on here. Things that I discovered about this person who claimed to have loved me. Does a man who claims to love you look at you and tell you that there must be something about you that has made every other man leave you before? Does a man who claims to love you go out with you do the following: after you decide to go out together (his idea) say he's tired and he's going to walk home, and then when you get home at midnight, you discover he's not there?

I can say this... about 90% of the time we didn't even sleep in the same bed. He would stay up all night, then sleep all day while I was at work. He wouldn't eat any food that I had prepared. He treated me more like a roommate than a wife. And I look back and realize how unhappy I was. Even my family noticed the change  and had said some things about it.

I just want to say that the only thing I honestly regret is that I did marry him. That may sound harsh, that may sound crazy. I don't care. I married someone who could not have loved me. There's just simply no way. And if he thinks that's what love is, I feel sorry for him.

I've wondered for so long why... why everyone else gets to have wonderful men, wonderful families. Little beautiful babies. And I sit alone on a Saturday night tweeting and facebooking. All of my friends have significant others and seems like they would much rather spend time with those people than me. I'm not an unhappy person generally. However, it makes me sad that I don't have someone that I hang out with a lot. I mean besides my sister and nephews... I don't really have people that will go out of their way to just hang out with me... just me and this person. I don't really have a group of people my age I hang out with. When I sing karaoke, I go with people who are the same age as my mom. One woman actually graduated with my mom. I love these people. They are great people. But I long for the type of friendship with someone that I could invite them over and they would come over for dinner, or just to hang out and watch a movie with me.

All of my friends and other people I know have kids. I have things that occupy my time (working out, choir)... but I do get lonely.

I was so lonely a few years ago, that I actually went on craigslist to meet friends. I met with one girl, and I kind of got the impression she wanted me to be a lesbian with her or something not just a platonic friend, and never spent time with her again. How sad is that? I had to look for a friend on craigslist? And even THAT didn't work.

Before anyone suggests meeting people through church let me tell you this: All of the people in this area at my local churches are the same. They also are married with kids. I would like to get plugged in to a church that meets my needs, but at this point, quite honestly I don't even have the money to drive that far to get involved in a church like that.

Right now I'm trying to focus on me. I'm working out, getting recovered from my back injury due to my car accident, and just trying to make it (financially).

I don't want anyone to think I'm severely depressed or anything. I'm just trying to sort out my feelings right now. For me writing has always been an outlet. I have journals from years and years back. Sometimes it just helps me to express myself this way. I just miss so many of my friends so much... and I often think they've moved on with their lives and forgotten about me. I wish I could fit in with them having their families and playdates and all of that. The truth is I can't even relate to that, and it makes me sad - because I've always wanted to have a family of my own. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever get ANY of the desires of my heart.



Comments

WILLIAM said…
I am gonna sit down tonight and compose a reply for this....(I was on twitter and noticed your new pic, so I went to your profile to see it (nice pic of you btw)and noticed your blog link, and remember you had some pretty good blogs a while back....) and the last couple topics had me thinking and I want to supply my insight to this.....
WILLIAM said…
I sat down twice to write, can't do it without it sounding like a "witch hunt"..... Simply put at least you got out before you got a lot invested into it (kids, house, etc.) and are "trapped". And I understand how hard it is to just throw yourself out there to find someone, especially as we get older. I am sorry to hear that you had to go thru stuff like that, and I can personally relate to everything you put there, you can only bend so far before you break, and I know one day you will be blessed with someone that will make up for every bad day you had before.

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