My Heart - by Kristen Lea

This year is going to be the most difficult Thanksgiving I've ever had. In the past 5 years or so, my family has had it's share of difficult holidays. One year we spent Thanksgiving and Christmas in either a hospital or nursing home with my mother. That year was particularly difficult for her, because she really wanted to be home, but couldn't buy presents for us kids. That was odd, because my mom always loved to buy us things for Christmas. She always made every year better than the last. Last year she was getting out of the hospital on Thanksgiving, I made dinner, picked her up. It was a long stressful day. I would trade that for anything... if she were here with us. This year I am spending Thanksgiving with my Sister and her family and my Mom's husband at my Mom's house. We have invited people who have nowhere else to go to come over and spend the day with us. This is a way I thought might make this easier for us, or at least take the sting of the day away sl...

I haven't written in a while because it has been too difficult. My mom died on August 20. My mom was the only parent I ever had. I didn't grow up with my biological father. My mom has been with the same man since I was 8 but I haven't ever really thought of him as "dad." There's a strained history there but that's not really important to what I'm writing now. Of course when my mom passed away I cried. I cried a lot. I didn't do a lot of sleeping, and when I did, I cried myself to sleep. However, I did most of this at home, by myself so no one could see. I got a lot of support initially in the form of sympathy cards, "facebook love," and friends just being around for me. I tried to act "OK" around people. Then would go home where I was alone and cry. I don't like feeling like people are pitying me, and I didn't want people to think I just wanted attention. Now I'm feeling very down. I feel forgotten. I feel like p...

So I don't understand why women are so crazy. That's probably something you've never heard a woman say... usually it is men that say some variation of this phrase. This weekend, I was talking to my friend Pete, and he was telling me about this girl. Basically an older friend of his introduced Pete to his niece. He was apparently trying to get them together. First of all, don't hook up your friends... it's just not a good idea. If it ends badly, its bad for you. If people are attracted to each other (not just physically) they will find each other on their own. Anyway, that's a whole different topic. So this guy introduces Pete to his niece. They hang out - in a group setting, not just the two of them or anything. They become facebook friends the day they meet as is apparently something that's acceptable. THE NEXT DAY she posts as her status on facebook that she is sitting next to the man who she hopes will "be hers forever." and that he has a ...

So Serena Williams won the Gold Metal in Women's tennis at the Olympics in London. When she won, she did a celebratory dance. I found it hilarious, and really nice to see someone so excited about winning. I think things like winning a Gold Metal for your country make all the sacrifices these athletes make worth it. So now everyone is freaking out because this dance apparently originated from the gang the Crips. Seriously? Do you think Serena Williams was saying she's a Crip or that she was promoting violence by doing this? I don't. I think its a fun little dance and she did it. The way her sister cracked up when she did it makes me think there might be a little inside joke to it. So if we're not doing things associated with bad people, why are we still doing the olympic flame ceremony? I didn't know until this year that this tradition started as Nazi Propaganda. So why aren't people freaking out about that? Basically, I think people need to lighten up. For...

I will never understand why women are so desperate. Do these women not realize there are a lot of men out in the world? I mean single women always say "There are no good men out there." But those are the women who meet a guy, have sex with him the first day they meet him while in a drunken stupor, and then think that he is wanting a relationship with her. Seriously? Are women really stupid enough to believe what they tell themselves in a case like this? I honestly think that they are looking for a way to excuse their poor behavior and bad decision-making. I don't act desperate because I'm not. I know I don't have to be. If there is some man that I am attracted to, I'm not going to stalk him, or follow him around. I might hope we will run into each other, but I won't find out where he is and go there... that's just crazy. I'm not going to change my life around to try to "catch" him. Chances are if you change yourself to get someone, even...

Last Thursday, during zumba, we only had 3 people in class (plus the instructor). Since all three of us are faithful attenders of this fitness class and pretty much know all the routines, our instructor was kind of in the middle of the class. That put me in front (right in front of the giant mirror that goes along the whole wall). One girl didn't want to be in the front and insisted she would be in back, therefore hiding behind me so she wouldn't have to see herself in said giant mirror. This is also what I like to do. I like to be close enough to be able to easily see the instructor, especially when we have new routines we are learning since I am a perfectionist and want to do everything right. Anyway, the fact that I couldn't help but see part of myself in the mirror the whole class was really irking me. Because to see the instructor, I had to look in the mirror, as she was behind me. That made me almost every time see myself. Now most people when they are working out d...

With all this talk about Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise the last few weeks, I decided to do a little research on this so-called religion Scientology. The following is my opinion and in no way reflects the beliefs of my employer. Wow. I learned a lot. I learned that these people are crazy. I learned that when asked what their "religion" is all about, they just talk around the subject. When asked questions regarding some of the basic beliefs they have, the lie. I learned that I believe most people who participate in this religion are in it because of their narcissism. I believe the man who invented Scientology was a narcissist possibly with sociopathic tendencies. I've heard the stories (there are plenty of documentaries on youtube as well). The story goes that L. Ron Hubbard said "you know how you really make money? Intent a religion." And then did so. He seemed to have a serious need for revenge on anyone who slighted him. He was an officer in the US Navy and ...

Okay I'm not going to be ashamed that I went with some girlfriends to go see Magic Mike. I'm not. Actually I went because it seemed like it would be a funny movie (and I'd get to see some good looking abs at the same time - not going to lie). I saw this movie, and it was ok. I thought Channing Tatum was amazing. Not only is he great at the comedic dialogue, but the dancing... it was ridiculous. I mean ridiculous in a good way. Man, he can dance! Wow. The women were going crazy in the theater. I thought it was interesting how it showed that men can be used as sex objects and lied to (and honestly hurt) by dishonest women. Women always say men are dogs, but sometimes women are just as bad. I know this because I've met some of these women. The worst part of this movie was the female lead. She is a newcomer - Cody Horn. Her acting (or lack thereof), was atrocious. She looked brain dead for basically the entire movie. She could not have shown LESS expression in this movi...

I literally just finished a blog about not being stood up for. However, this is what happens when I stand up for my friends. My friend Andrea has some health issues. She is always going through some sort of treatment for this or that. She has heart issues. So any undue stress on her is not good. She had this Ex who was dating this pyscho. This psycho would text her all the time and call her and harrass her. She was still talking to her ex and his family. This woman did a lot of very high school-ish things and went to his family and was trying to talk badly about her, was trying to keep her out of his kid's life.. all sorts of dramatic crap. So finally, I had enough. I sent him a message on facebook telling him to be a man and make this stop. I told him I don't care who you're sleeping with. I don't care that you and Andrea broke up, you know that happens. But if you're going to be friends with her and not look out for her health, that's another thing. I tol...

One of the most hurtful things someone has ever said to me was this past weekend. I was at a graduation party, and things were beginning to wind down. People were sitting around the fire and I was standing because I was getting tired and thinking of leaving. This guy Mike was talking to one of my friends. He was talking about how he was divorced and acting like since he was divorced he had all this important knowledge he could bestow upon him to put into action for my friend's current relationship. I jokingly said "well you know, you're not the only divorced one here." He turned to me, and in front of a various group of people, some that I know and some that I don't said "Well, the main difference between your divorce and my divorce is that I know at some point my wife actually loved me." Laughter erupted from probably all except me. I simply responded with "Yeah... I'm going to go home." Mike tried to go back and make a joke at his own...

I feel like for some reason I need to make some clarifications. I'm a pretty open book when it comes to my life, my missteps, my failures and even my fears. I would like to be clear about what has happened with my former marriage. I married someone too quickly. I think it was timing. I think he just said all the right things at the right time. To be honest, I knew that if he loved me, he definitely loved me much more than I loved him, but I thought that was okay. I thought I wasn't going to be alone anymore. There was going to be someone there who would be there for me when I needed him. And yes there were times that he held me when I cried. One thing when we first got together that really touched me was him playing the song "You are not alone" by Michael Jackson. Maybe he just somehow knew that was what I needed to hear. I don't know how, but maybe he did. However, within months of getting married I knew that if we hadn't been married, I would have brok...

I was talking to an old friend this weekend and something he said to me really got to me. He told me that all men get sick of... let's just say "being with" the same woman and go looking for something "new." I disagreed. I told him I know plenty of men that I believe would never even THINK of doing that to their wife. I said maybe I know people with morals and that's just you. Then I told him maybe that's just African men (he's African, it has nothing to do with skin color either, because not all African men are black). I say so because I have dated a lot of African men, and I actually married (and divorced) one. All of those that I have dated have had character issues. They weren't all from the same country (Somalia, Kenya, Zambia, Nigeria). However, I can say with confidence there were definite character issues with all of them. Perhaps it was something about me that I was portraying that attracted them to me. However, I have resolved I will ...