My Heart - by Kristen Lea

I remember back in the day watching figure skating... and if the person fell, they were pretty much out of the running for metals. Now, the way the score it is so jacked up, that if you fall, but you have a bunch of other (not artistic, but difficult) crap in your routine, you still get a metal? This does not make sense to me. I watched MOST of the pairs skating last night... and I saw a lot of people falling, and one pair which got the bronze. But there were many other couples who did a fine job without falling who got much lower scores because they didn't pad their scores with extra points by grabbing the blade of their skate (making it much less artistic if you ask me) and doing all sorts of ugly positions while spinning. WHAT HAPPENED?! Why did they ruin this competitive sport? Its not as fun to watch as it used to be. No one has any clue where the points come from anymore. I feel sorry for most of the people who skate in this sport, because I think the scoring has ruin...

I often wonder if happiness is in the cards (so to speak) for me. Doesn't it seem so often that only some people get happiness, and others get a life full of heartache, pain, strife and struggle? I am wondering now if I will ever find happiness. The world has been a pretty cruel place to me, especially since I've gotten out of college. Most of my friends have married and started making lives and families for themselves. I am almost 30, single, and lost and heartbroken. I wonder if I will find someone who will be able to love me. I often wonder how I am single and so many other people have found their matches. What is it about me that makes me unlovable? I don't know. I thought I had a good heart but now I'm wondering if I don't just deserve all this for one reason or another.

I have never once had a good Valentine's day... I'm starting to wonder if I ever will. This year I expect nothing so I'm not disappointed. That's how I view life these days.... expect nothing so you don't get disappointed and hurt. This is no way to go through life. And by the way it doesn't work. I always end up disappointed anyway. Because even though I tell myself to expect nothing, still in the back of my mind I think "well just maybe...." Actually this way of life has become a lot better in the past year or so. Before then, I would literally expect nothing, look for nothing more out of life, and got nothing more. When I decided to expect more, and look for more, I got more... but now I'm wondering if there's even more . Don't I deserve more? I try to tell myself I do, although usually I wonder if its true. Things have been really difficult for me lately and its been getting me down. I often wonder when things will start going ...

How do some people seem to be able to share their innermost feelings so easily? I find my opionions on stupid things (that don't really matter like politics) are so easy to share, yet my feelings of love towards family and the love of my life are soooo much more difficult to share? Does everyone feel this way or am I somehow handicapped?

When you jump to a conclusion, is it usually right? I hate when something happens and I automatically go to the worst possible scenario ever..... this happened to me again. I hadn't heard from my man in about two weeks and I was freaking out... thinking he was either dead or something just as bad...... and it turns out it was just a series of circumstances that led to that happening. Not cool.

I am extremely frustrated right now... and there's nothing I can really do about it. Last Friday (not the 29th, but the 22nd)- I got a message via IM from my man saying that he was going to call me. This might seem wierd, but he not too long ago traveled home to Africa in for a family emergency and was gone for a while. In order to get money for the extremely expensive trip, he sold his phone to a friend. Well, since then he hasn't had a phone. And that I know of, since he's been back he hasn't gotten a job. Employers apparently don't like it when you pick up and leave for another country for months. Anyway, we haven't had phone contact since he left and has been back. The last time he tried to call me from his computer, I didn't answer because it said "Unknown number" and on my phone, that usually means someone calling for some guy named Charlie Jones that I don't know, never have known and never will know. He apparently isn't too g...