My Heart - by Kristen Lea

In case you didn't know, My Aunt died Saturday. She was a huge part of my life... she always will be. She's the person who helped make me who I am. A lot of my sense of humor and my alleged wittiness is because of how much time I've spent with her throughout my life. Its taken me a while to write this because every time I think about it, or say it out loud... it doesn't seem like it could be true. I was there. I saw her body lifeless, not breathing that day. I still find it surreal. I went to the viewing. Even as I walked into the funeral home it didn't seem like this could be possible. How could Aunt Neen be dead? How is this fair? She was only 54 years old! She fought valliantly... stubbornly. Imagine that, a member of my family is stubborn! She defied everything they said of her with this cancer. They said it would be two months. She went three and a half. They said a few days after going off dialysis, maybe a week. It was a week and a half. Thes...

So what? The president called Kanye west a jackass. So ... when is it wrong to speak in truth, whether on the record or off? Quite frankly, thank goodness someone high profile said it (and it doesn't get much higher profile than the president). Obama said that Kanye is a jackass because guess what: HE IS A JACKASS! Recall the hurricane Katrina telethon. Recall his actions toward paparazzi. I admit, I would probably get pretty ticked off about people constantly taking my picture- but then again if you're famous you must be kind of thankful for that too, because if they weren't taking your picture anymore that means no one cares about you and you must have fallen into obscurity. I also found his "apology" on Jay Leno very contrived and not sincere at all. The almost fake crying did nothing for me. Maybe he was upset about how his mother would have reacted. However, that doesn't say to me he's any less of an idiot (or as the president said, jackass)....

So today my man was finally able to contact me.. thank goodness! I can't handle no contact! We texted.. and he told me something that troubled me. HE said that he was dropped from a class and that changes his status. I didn't know what that meant. He said he has to take 12 credits to keep his status as a student here, and without that many credits he could get deported. This definitely worries me. Lansing is far enough away! Africa is too far away. Duh! Like I even had to say that. So hopefully things will all work out. I'm praying hard... because honestly I would be devastated if he left me here alone.

The last week (not even full week) has been unbareable. The guy I've been seeing is having some issues with his phone service and I haven't been able to talk to him since Monday. We talked on the phone Monday, he e-mailed me on Wednesday and since then there has been no contact. I hate it. I feel like we're not even together. I hate it. I hate not being able to see him I hate us being so far apart- even though its not even that far. I think he's worth it.. no- I know he's worth all the nights and days I spend without him. I just hate that I have to do it. I think that in one way its better than not having someone who (hopefully) is missing me too... but that doesn't make it suck any less. I feel like I'm ready. I don't know if he is... sometimes I feel like he is... but I've been wrong before, so I try not to be too excited about it. I've just been burned so much and I get scared. I get scared when I don't get to talk to him on t...

Sometimes I just don't understand.... why do these things happen that shake me to the core and make me wonder about people... why do I have such an issue with trust that if I don't hear from my man, I automatically assume the worst? Maybe its because the worst has happened to me time and time again. Is this something I have to reiterate to him? Is he just that clueless? Or does he just not care? These are all of my questions... and I have no answer to them and no way to get in touch with him at this moment. This is why men think we're crazy.