My Heart March 2017

I know I don't post very often anymore, but something is just on my heart today.

It makes me really sad and really truly hurts me when people cannot be honest. And it makes me even sadder that so many people these days are truly calloused and cowardly in their actions. People hurt others like it's nothing, and they don't care. It's like the age of the psychopath. No empathy, no remorse.

I recently had my heart broken by someone. Someone I won't name because as much as I wish it wasn't true, I really did love him. We didn't date very long before he brought up meeting his daughter, which scared the crap out of me but really excited me too. It scared me because it was so fast and I was totally scared she would hate me for "trying to take her dad away." I know that's not how all kids think, but I remember being that age when my mom got together with her (future) husband when I was 8 years old.

There were red flags.... but I ignored them all. After all, I am my mother's daughter. I will look past all the bad and see the good in someone, even if it is for a short amount of time. I was insanely happy. I found someone who truly went out of his way to make my day brighter.... for a while.

Sadly, then he got distant, and I can't say what happened. I asked. I got a lot of excuses (another red flag ignored) and sometimes a whole lot of nothing (meaning, he would flat our ignore me, but he would usually come up with a good excuse for that).

I flat out asked him if he simply wasn't interested anymore, or wasn't sure anymore. I know he's had a lot of stuff happen in his past (some would say baggage, but by the time we are in our 30s, who doesn't have some kind of baggage). After asking and getting the reason that he was concerned about his daughter, I decided to give him some time. I thought I'll leave him alone and give him time to think about this and us, and (hopefully) miss me, and realize he's missing out on someone who would literally do anything for him.

This did not happen. Nearly a week into me "giving him some space," a mutual friend and his best friend since childhood messaged me asking what my side of our "situation" was. Although I thought the wording was strange (My side? situation?), I talked to her. He had once told me to ask her anything about him to get some insight into his character. However, I never did because trust is something that I was trying to work on, and I thought I should just trust him if he made a promise to me, that he would do his best to keep it. She convinced me he was gun-shy with relationships, and that I should just give him some time, and with my patience, everything would likely turn out great.

This was not the case. The very next day, some woman tagged him saying they were at the movies on facebook. I was confused. First I thought maybe it was a relative. Then I realized I was being an idiot, it was most certainly NOT a relative, he didn't have a sister, and I was foolish for having text him the night before to tell him I hope all was well with him.  I informed his BFF that although I appreciated her talking to me about this that this was obviously something that was not going to happen.

I never said anything to him about the post (he had ignored my previous text), and overnight he blocked me on facebook and became facebook official with the movies girl. He never even said a word to me. He made me believe that we needed to slow down because he was torn about introducing another woman into his daughter's life. However, she was clearly not his only concern in the situation.

I did my due diligence and found out he and this woman had only been seeing each other a week. So he hadn't been 2 timing me (at least not with her). That made me almost feel better, but not really. I texted him and told him I only wished he could have been honest with me and perhaps we could have been friends. I really wanted to leave one of those angry, hurt messages but knew there was no point. I truly meant what I said, and really wished we could have stayed friends. He made me really happy for a time, and I would have been okay with that, had he been honest.

For a while, I was thinking of all the things I could have possibly done wrong (it's a woman thing) or what I could have said to push him away, or ANYTHING that could have possibly make sense of what had happened. I can't find anything.  I never told him how happy he made me, and perhaps that's better. My pride kept me from doing so, but you know? Why? It doesn't make it any less true. So many times I hold my tongue when it comes to important things, but I'm not sure that would have made a difference. Clearly this wasn't meant to be. I had convinced myself that it was. He truly made me believe him when he said he cared about me more than he could even say. Maybe there was a reason he couldn't (or wouldn't) say.

I really want to wish him the best, but I'm still in the process of forgiveness right now. I've had thoughts about how I hope this blows up in his face, but I've also thought that I don't want anyone else to hurt the way I did after all this happened. Betrayal cuts so deeply. And even if the entire thing hadn't happened the way it had, Would I have been able to get past the other ways he had hurt me before this?  I had already told myself I wasn't sure I could.

Now I focus on myself, hoping for the best for 2017. This year has already not gone the way I was hoping for, but that's OK. I hope and pray God has something amazing for me this year.

This post is all part of me trying to show my heart to people more often. I have a soft heart, and it hurts to even type this. But it doesn't hurt as much as it did last week. And it will likely hurt less next week.

My only wish is that it could have ended differently and more respectfully.

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