I was thinking recently... that I feel that life has changed me. Obviously that is going to happen. I dare to say we all change in some way over years. We hope and pray we change for the better. However, in some ways I have changed for the worse. I feel like life has caused me a lot of pain, and that pain has made me distant from people. Generally I don't warm up to people like I used to. And it doesn't take much for me to put that distance between me and an individual or group if I feel I've been hurt or burned by them.

I've had a lot of people (not just men) treat me badly and it has changed me. I read my old journals and I can see straight into the heart of this young woman who cared more about others than herself. Who opened herself up to new friendships, who hoped for a relationship that she always dreamed about.

Now I'm cynical. I wonder if it's possible to have a relationship (marriage) like some of my friends have, who are married to their best friends, and yes they might argue, but they both know they want to be together forever.

I like to think that best friends are forever but I've also experienced otherwise. People move on. People die. People disappear from your life if they don't need you. These are all things I have experienced. I do not like it at all. Sometimes its easier to just be on my own. But then when I shut myself off to others, the loneliness is heart-breaking.

I try to have hope for the things to come. It's  very hard when in the past few years I've had so many hurtful things happen to me. I am not going to lie... it's hard for me to get excited about a new friendship or even possibility of a relationship with a man because I expect to be disappointed. I suspect lies. I anticipate deceit.

My heart hurts at the fact that I may never experience a wonderful marriage, children and the things that I want with all of my heart. So I wonder if I expect too much? However when I have lowered my standards or ignored my instincts, I have only been hurt more.

These are just things that have been going through my mind recently and had to get them out. I'm not asking for sympathy or anything like that. I don't even know if anyone actually reads these things anymore.... since I barely ever write here anymore.

Praying for whatever it is that I need...


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